If You Don’t Twinkle in the Ocean You’ll Drown

Painting by Kimberly Androlowiz

PTA Policing: Blue Just isn’t my Color

In fourth grade, a PTA mom took away my toilet paper roll I was using to make a Christmas choir person during craft day.

“Yellow is not a boy’s color,” she chided.

Yellow is the sun. The sun is on my face in the summer. And now it was supposed to drape my choir child. Not gendered. It’s a toilet paper roll for God’s sake. And toilet paper rolls can roll up to the party wearing circa 2023 polka dot Louis Vuitton if they want to. And she will be beautiful. And he will be holy. And they will be hallelujah.

Queering Colors: From Disney Princesses to Red Bows

“Blue is a boy’s color,” she insisted. Is it? Didn't Cinderella wear blue in her Disney debut? And Belle? In any event, it’s not part of my holy trinity of hues: yellow, pink, and red. You do you, PTA mom. You do blue. But she took the yellow tissue paper away, doubling down on her argument, “Or green,” she said pensively, furrowing her brow, then frowning, “but you can’t use yellow.”

No one else was using the yellow. It’s not like it was high in demand. What about the yellow brick road? Ok, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Lion were all super gay. And I learned early on in school to hide that pride. And I get the feeling that this woman did not want me to be that either. But they were still male identifying, I assume from the word “man” at the end of their names. The jury is still out on The Lion. God, those curls, and bows, and the perm. Growl.

I wanted my choir child to shine. But stars are often extinguished when still being born. And I was still in an early stage of becoming. And I was only blue about not being able to use yellow. Otherwise, blue meant nothing to me. Still, the PTA mom held the yellow tissue paper from me as I begged for it. “Someone is having a bad school day” she scolded.

Thing is, it was my best school day. Up until that moment. I loved crafts. I loved the crinkly feel of the tissue paper. And I loved the way the yellow paper yolked against the light brown of the toilet paper roll. Like a fried egg.

Starfish and Butterflies: The Spectrum of Gender

I wonder if that woman remembers that day as well as I do. Or even at all. For her it was probably just a normal day lockstep with gender reveal parties and pink makeup for little girls. And “boys need to be boys” rhetoric. But what about little kids becoming starfish? If you don't twinkle in the ocean you'll drown.

I have often shut myself down out of fear. I have also opened up in spite of it. I have butterflied myself through this world as winged then cocooned then winged again. A cycle. When all I want to do is thrum my wings until this world sheds itself is everything it has brought to burn me with.

Ruby Slippers and Yellow Shoes: Finding My Path Home

Ruby slippers are not dangerous on anyone’s feet. They are a way home. And you can wear the blue shoes too if you want to. But only if you want to. Please remember to leave a pair of yellow shoes for me.